Warning: this may cause tears

Having someone die who is close to you is so difficult for so many more reasons than I expected.

I feel like I am doing alright and then I want to pick up my phone and call my dad. And, I can’t. And, it sucks. I want to tell him about ASL class, and the new PAWS building, and the mural. And, I can’t. And, it sucks.

I am writing thank you cards for support and I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to because it makes it feel more real, but it is real. It did happen and I need to grieve and understand life without my dad. Last week, I went to call him and it triggered crying like I have never had before in my life. I cried for four hours and it came in all different forms. Crying because I feel like life isn’t being fair, crying because I feel like I have pain in my heart and crying because I am so mad that it makes me throw a slipper.

I needed it. I needed to cry like that because I haven’t had a moment to really grieve. We are trying to do things to get his affairs in order that it was easy to stay so busy that I couldn’t stop and think.

A huge part of my personality is being cheerful and happy, but sometimes I want to just not talk to anyone. So, I am also making sure to own it and not apologize for it. Guess what? I am not sorry. I am not sorry I am crying and throwing things and getting it all out because I have to. I have to get it all out or I will collapse and that is not ok with me.

We have received an unbelievable amount of support and I could not be more grateful. I understand now that support is needed the most weeks after the death has happened. They are the days when everything hurts and you want to think about anything else. Luckily, I have the most amazing support system. My family, bf’s family and all of our friends have been so wonderful. You are the reason I am still standing ❤

xo